S. S. S. S. (the storm is coming)

Patience, Respect, Honesty, and Trust respectively...  I have had my share of disappointing outcomes in each of those categories, but the ones that hurt the most is the disappointment other people has brought into my life.


To me, Love has been hard to define since no one ever told me "how to love"...  So in other words I had to find out just how cruel love can be before I could see whats what.


I know Im not perfect in any way, but I know that I have given love all I could have given so far, so im in peace with it.


People are driven by disappointment all the time, and I'm not one to break the mold.  The following is a poem I wrote about my relationships at one of my weak, mad and wild moments at the end of my last relationship.  This poem shows a side of me I never want to experience ever again.


S. S. S. S (the storm is coming)


"Take me, take me" is what I said,
in return I loved you until it hurt my head,
i didnt mind you under my skin,
I let the your bad parts in,
and made them my own skin.


You declared that our life was a test,
and that you would point out all of my mistakes,
if there really is a poor saint writing all of our sins,
he would take you down to hell first.


Good bye my love,
why are you running?
Is it because the judgement is coming?
As I stare down on top of the world,
just know that you were my storm...


The storm is coming,
Your storm is coming in.

Training day #149

It has been 149 days since I started working out to be an elite Cross Country Skier/Biathlon athlete.  There has been its ups and downs but overall the experience has helped me realize so much about myself and how to deal with everything life has thrown my way.

 Working out involves an incredible amount of running and roller skiing, the nutrition is brutally healthy, intervals are one the more bodily taxing things I have ever done, however the places, views, and people I have had the chance to meet are incredible and totally outweigh the sore and tired muscles I constantly have.

The thing that I am more thankful for is the stress the sport has helped me relief.  I feel like my mind is finally back to where it should be, looking forward to the future and accomplishing things that are worth accomplishing and getting rewarded for the hard work. 

Here are some of the photos for the month of June 2012

Temptation and those who bring it

Throughout this last weekend I have experienced what at first thought it would be a good weekend with new friends but it turned out to be something very disappointing.


There are times when you bend your back backwards for people that in turn offer you nothing in return but the things that can destroy your dreams.


I could have lived a life where I just sit on a couch and let my life slip away or get up everyday and try to do something very unlikely.  I desire the latter... beer, pot, girls, and sex come second to the fulfillment of my right to live.  I might be poor, broken, ugly, boring, or even dumb but at least I know what I want.

Life as it comes... Straight no chaser

As I was going in an easy run today I listened to one of my early favorite bands Bush.  Their Song Straight No chaser is pretty amazing and it brought some pretty good spirited thoughts as I listened to it.


This song relates to me now because of the way I have to look at life after my accident.  I remember laying in the hospital bed thinking "just what am I going to do with my life now?". Well it took about two years to find out that, just like the song says "drink life as it comes... Straight no chaser", I have to move on and find a different calling in my life and just go with it.


The last part of "keep on driving, hair left morning wet" relaxes me.  It tells me to keep going no matter what.  Good Song.


Straight No chaser by Bush

Always be there, face I live with

Always be there, face I live with
Abscess memory with broken fingers
All the fallen down angels, Raw pain distress

It's all in the way we know that we could have it all
Some satellites of pain can't always be ignored
War on all sides, war on all sides

Drink life as it comes, straight no chaser
Life as it comes, straight no chaser
Climb inside you away from strangers
Building a system of alleys and motorways

It's all in the way we know that we could have it all
Some satellites of pain can't always be ignored
It's all in the face of what we thought we knew before
War on all sides, war on all sides, war on all sides

Keep on driving, hair left morning wet
There's nothing like losing you
There's nothing like losing you
There's nothing like losing you
There's nothing like losing you

Creep

During my OD run I listened to Korn's rendition of Radiohead's Creep.  Other than being blown away by the amount of feeling Jonathan Davis puts into the song, the lyrics hit me very profoundly.   My favorite part is "But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."  As I run shirtless in order to get over my image issues, I see people in the trail looking at me, not in a bad way but just rightfully surprised, the lyrics hit me in a way not to feel sorry about myself but sarcastically good.  The third verse reminds me a lot of my relationship life, but again I get a feeling of sarcastic vindication though it and through out the whole song.


Creep by Korn


When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather,
in a beautiful world
I wish I was special,
You're so fuckin' special


But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.


I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice,
when I'm not around.
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special


But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.


She's running out the door,
she's running,
she run, run, run, run, run.


Whatever makes you happy,
whatever you want.
You're so fuckin' special,
I wish I was special,


But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.

The design of no-design

If someone had told me when I was 17 than in a little more than a decade I would be in the middle of nowhere literally running for my life, training to make the US biathlon team I would laugh hysterically, go home and go about my day.


The funny thing about that is that even though I would dismiss the idea, I really had no other idea of what I wanted to do.  My father was gone, my mom was just way too stressed to think or counsel me about what was I suppose to do after I graduated high school, and at that pivotal point in my life, as I am sure many other young people were, the military really sounded like the best thing to do.


My odd upbringing, and the military were a potent combination to provide me with nothing but the notion that I was by myself.  Myself to succeed or fail.


The military did shape the way I carry myself around as far as pulling my weight, however, the knowledge of what kind of weight I should carry and just how much was never thought to me by anyone.  So in other words, I pulled my own weight like a donkey carries a load... Whatever it is, just put it on me and I will carry it until my back breaks.


So what happens when the back breaks but you still a young donkey?  Well if I was a donkey, I would probably be two things: dead or at a petting zoo.  I am not dead, or in a petting zoo and I am certainly not a donkey.  I am the result of a design of no-design, and I AM free to make it my own.

A short story

I was born January 6^th, 1982 in Guadalajara, Mexico.  My parents were poor for the most part of my child hood.  We lived in the makeshift second story of my grandmother’s house.  This second story consisted of only one room in which the dining table and the sleeping beds were almost next to each other.

In my parent’s pursuit to afford a better living, both of them decided to leave me and my sisters behind while they embarked in a journey to Grand Rapids, Michigan.  My sisters and I were left behind in the care of my grandmother that afforded her living in the door to door pesticide business which she had developed herself and at that time we were helping her perform.

After one year of staying behind, my parents finally came back and were able to take us with them.  When we got to the United States my sisters and I did not know how to speak or write any English, however we were able to attend school right away.

My parents gradually started to earn more money and were able to afford a house and at the age of sixteen I finally had my own room.

Some of my parent’s differences and the inability of my father to put his Mexican engineering degree to work for him in the United States ultimately led to my parent’s divorce when I was seventeen.

Without a father and with a very emotionally tired and depressed mother in the eve of the end of my high school years in 1999 I decided to join the United States Marine Corps.

Within the first years of my military career, I discovered responsibility, discipline, and purpose and I was sold.  I was one of the best new Marines my command had ever seen.  I won multiple personal achievement medals and moved through the ranks fairly quickly.

I re- enlisted twice when I was in the military, held many key responsibilities within my command, and was deployed to Iraq four times for a total of almost two and a half years spent deployed overseas while in combat operations.

In June 2008, while riding my motorcycle back to the military base I was stationed, I lost control and crashed against a guard rail in the road ultimately leaving me with the inability to move and feel my right dominant arm.

I underwent three very invasive surgeries to repair my right arm which along with the recovery phase and physical therapy lasted a total of three years and ultimately failed. Throughout the duration of those years my arm was constantly in a very large and bothersome sling.

Finally, in December of 2011 my doctors suggested to have my arm amputated shoulder height to which I accepted.

In February of 2012, while attending physical therapy, one of the therapists recommended to get in contact with Robert Rosser, one of the U.S. Biathlon paralympic coaches, to see if I could find recovery aid in his program.  I got in contact with Robert Rosser and he invited me to an event in Lake Placid, New York in which he thought me along with other coaches the basics of the adaptive biathlon, and cross country skiing event.  All of the coaches agreed that I had natural talent in the sport and asked me to approach organizations to help me train and compete in future events. 

I am currently in development team of competive U.S. biathlon and cross country team, and going from event to event until 2014...  Winter Olympics, in Russia...